This Ain't a Scene...

There is a popular bumper sticker around here that says that Ithaca is a few square miles, surrounded by reality. (It is true, Ithaca is a unique place and sometimes I feel out of my element here.) Well, I entered a much smaller area that could be characterized as the anti-Ithaca. Where was this strange land? The Omni Shoreham hotel, the location for this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC).

Walking into CPAC is what I imagine it is like to walk into another sorority’s formal meeting or ceremony. You feel like you stand out but you still want to know what happens behind the closed doors. I was sure the conference attendees would somehow be able to pinpoint my moderate stance in a minute and chase me out with torches. (Or perhaps stone me for being a vegetarian.) Apparently my short skirt and slightly confused look did not give me away.

One of the CPAC speakers was none other than Cornell alum Ann Coulter. It was bizarre to see her books being sold at six or more booths. I was probably the only one there who did not have a copy of her musings. While she was at the conference she indirectly called John Edwards a “faggot.” I doubt she was using the ‘bundle of sticks’ definition of the term. I am pretty sure insults like that were only borderline cool in elementary school.

Past the huge “Liberals Lie” banners and Hillary Clinton barf bags, I was very amused to stumble upon the bloggers’ corner. There were a few bloggers (like Red State) just sitting behind a table with computers. The whole setup was quite odd. In my mind I hoped they were live-blogging their little corner of the hall. I am sure the account would have gone something like this: “This guy in a red tie is watching Giuliani (speaking in the Ballroom a few yards away) on the television by our corner. Now a girl in an oversized Mitt Romney t-shirt stopped to listen as well. This could get crazy…”

I cannot imagine being put in that situation. It would be like sitting in the middle of Ho Plaza with my laptop. I would demand a glass box, then I would not be bothered by people trying to hand me flyers while I wrote. Actually I wish I could block those flyers without a glass box.

Anyway, most of the people I met at CPAC seemed nice. But any place with a panel called “Loony Ladies of the Left: How to Combat the Radical Feminists on Your Campus” is not the place for me. Those crazy ladies on college campuses and their books! What is the world coming to? I suppose I will just have to stick to the six packs and not CPAC for the rest of the semester…

Protesting the Protesters

I like free stuff. Two free on campus items I picked up daily are the WSJ and the Cornell Daily Sun. Most of the time I just end up using the Sun for an easy crossword. Today there was actually news pertinent to my own life: my weekend in DC may not be so peaceful.

Thanks to a column by Laura Taylor, I now know about the big old Anti-Iraq War march going on this weekend. Great, just great. I go to the District to escape Ithaca. Not to be followed by like a hundred Ithacans. Probably the same ones who insert “war” on the local stop signs… clever move guys.

Some helpful words of advice to the protesters:

-Pick up after yourselves. After the Pro-Life March the area looked like a trash dump of litter. (My boyfriend had to run through it and was extremely annoyed.) How hard is it to recycle people? It is all about the golden rule. How would you feel if a bunch of people showed up and trashed your town?

-Just take a cab. If public transportation confuses you in any way, shape, or form, then skip it. It does not help your cause if you piss off DC residents with your incompetence. Just think of your taxi fare as a contribution to the local economy or something.

-Try to look sane. I know you are passionate about your issue but remember not everyone is caught up in the same fervor. There is a thin line between a compelling protest and a fanatical one. The key is not to look like that homeless guy who thinks the CIA is tracking him.

-And most importantly, shower. This is not the 1960s. Hygiene is an important social norm that is even more vital when you are part of a massive crowd. Keep it clean, your fellow protester will thank you. Also, pick a semi-fashionable outfit that does not include a fanny pack. I would appreciate that on a personal level.

Good luck with your march this weekend. I bet that long bus ride is going to be super fun. I will be the one zipping by in my lovely car surrounded by my own apathy!

The Right to Party

With so many types of parties out there, it is easy to concoct a flimsy reason to celebrate. Like those people who go out every Wednesday simply because it is “hump day.” Gross. Better to admit you are an alky like Lindsey Lohan. Anyway, I was recently invited to a “State of the Union Watching Party.” This tops my list of lamest reasons to throw a party. (Does it even count as a “party”?) Much to my chagrin my boyfriend has also been invited to this odd breed of gathering. What? There is more than one of these things?!

According to my research, January 31st is also “Backward Day,” “Inspire Your Heart with Art Day,” and the day that the twist off bottle cap was invented. All three of these are a better theme for a party. Who does not want to see someone wearing his or her shirt backward? Kris Kross must have loved this holiday. Or someone attempting to finger paint after a few too many shots? Remember to save the painting in case the individual becomes well known! The twist off cap lends itself well to a party too. (Think of all the beers to choose from.) At least these themes are more amusing than deconstructing the geo-political situation in the Middle East. I hear that every day!

I can only picture this so-called party panning out if an element of fun was introduced. I suggest going with the tried-and-true drinking game. It would be ridiculously easy to set up. Just take certain phases, words, or missteps and assign some amount of drinking or funny task. For example, every time the President mentions the word “surge” take a shot. When he mispronounces a word put your hand on your head. The last person that notices the mistake has to chug a beer. See? So simple! We are in college people. Save your analysis for Wednesday’s meeting of GOVT 316.

Who Is Running HR?

So if you were looking to fill a position, say the Director of Family Planning Services, what type of person would you look for? Apparently the best candidate the executive branch could find was someone who thinks birth control is "demeaning to women."

Right. Allowing women to choose if and when to have a child is certainly "demeaning" them. The non-profit that he runs "is persuaded that the crass commercialization and distribution of birth control is demeaning to women, degrading of human sexuality and adverse to human health and happiness."
Way to follow the mandate of the law behind family planning services. Does taking a little pill once a day really "degrade" your sexuality? Make you depressed? Maybe this guy should recognize that BC helps to prevent abortions, especially in teenagers. Read the literature you so-called expert.

Nice work Bush administration. I'm just waiting for them to appoint an illiterate person to run the LOC (Library of Congress).

Appearing Soon

Townies in Ithaca just love bumper stickers. Of course there is the obligatory "Ithaca is Gorges" stick but political stickers are a must too.

Think: "Re-defeat Bush in 2006!" "Treehugger" "Bush Must Go!" "No one died when Clinton lied." An old "Kerry/Edwards" sticker. The more, the better.

(A townie Grandma shares the joy of "Bush Must Go" stickers. Fun for the whole family!)

Now townies have a brand new decoration to add to their Priuses.

Get it? Speaker of House comes after the Vice-President in the line of succession. Personally I would take a Paulson in 2007 sticker. (Fifth in line is the Secretary of the Treasury.) Goldman Sachs over politicians any day! For now my car will stay pretty and undecorated.

FYI: The views from the Goldman offices at 50 Broad Street are amazing. Can you see all of NYC from your office?

Gig That!

Just when you thought things were changing, now we have an Aggie in charge of the Defense Department? Oh great. The NYT reports that: “Task No. 1 is to generate the strategy for victory in Iraq."

I have a feeling that may actually end up being task number six. Other important tasks the new Secretary of Defense may try to accomplish first:

-Preventing people from walking on the grass.

-Setting up a giant bonfire in the Pentagon parking lot.

-Forcing everyone to give the Gig 'Em sign when saying "Howdy." Push-ups as punishment if the rule is not followed.

-No girls in the Pentagon! Like the A&M football field, it is holy territory.

-And, of course, new officials must put a ring in a pitcher of beer and chug it all to be part of the inner circle.

Then Mr. Gates will deal with that pesky war.

Cornell Dems Get Together, Bad Puns Abound

The Cornell Daily Sun exposes what really goes on at those election-watching parties: champagne and not-so-great jokes. A sample:

"One student, who wore a tee shirt that said, “Santorum: That’s Latin for asshole.” "

Classy. Negative campaigning meets the t-shirt.

" “Are you double-fisting?” he said.
“Yeah, I’m bi-cameral.” The room broke out in hoots."

This must have been the booze kicking in. Just like that time your friend told you that story about a cat in a tree, the one that didn't have a point and wasn't funny. Somehow it kept you laughing for an hour. Blame Natty Light.

" “The Republicans are looking for the pony in the manure pile right now,” he said. Another time: “The elephant in the room — or should we say the donkey.” "

Very original guys. I bet it took you all of O-Chem lab to come up with those winners.

Over at a Republican watching party, the mood was obviously a little different:

" “I think some of the criticism is just hippies,” Barry said. “The liberals of America attacking us just to attack.” "

Dang those hippies they are so violent? I just picture Nancy Pelosi as a crazy rottweiler.

Lesson learned: these mini-wonks are not funny. Or maybe it is just the school they come from.

Voter Disenfranchisement, Now For Everyone!

You always hear about poor, elderly, or minority voters being disenfranchised. Just to prove these stereotypes wrong the poll workers in Manhattan carefully chose their target: Chelsea Clinton. As in- daughter of a former President and a current Senator; who is a former employee of the second best consulting firm in the world, McKinsey, and currently working for a high profile hedge fund (Avenue Capital).

(Sorry, a random tabloid cover!)

Nice work guys. Don't mess with Hilary's daughter... her posse will make sure your mistake will so end up in the NYT!

Voting is Gorges

I know what you are thinking, ugg, more on those stupid midterm elections. I know the feeling I almost threw up listening to the NPR coverage this morning. (Luckily I turned if off soon enough! Whew!)

Anyway, I always joke about how liberal Ithaca is. It amuses me on a daily basis. Oh, we are soooo liberal that our Democratic Congressman is the Republican candidate! Literally. He is the candidate for every party in our district. Good thing I am not a New Yorker and therefore actually have a choice!

Needless to say, I am as jaded as they come. Today I actually saw something that warmed my unpatriotic soul: teenagers walking around in the pouring rain with "Honk if you voted!" signs. I mean they can't even vote but the care enough to risk a nasty cold to remind other people to vote. (Too bad I was like the only person on the street who honked.)

Maybe if there were more simple demonstrations like this and less of the celebrities-telling-you-to-vote campaigns, we would all be a little less cynical about our civil duty.

Take that Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, or whatever your name is this second.